New blog, visitors welcome

As threatened below, I've started a new blog (though barely). Spitting nails... is an attempt to stir conversation on the privileges that come with marriage and why we as a society persist in awarding them. It's also an attempt to put into practice the good blogging practices that Rebecca has attempted to teach us.

Stop by and tell me what you think--even if you disagree with my point of view, I'd appreciate your responses to the aesthetic and utility of the blog.

Thanks again for all your collegiality and encouragement.  On to Blogging 102.

Epiphany. Gratitude. Farewell.

APROPOS TO ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

In "Wordy and Beautiful...", one of today's posts on Flavorwire by its Literary Editor/Weekend Editor Emily Temple, I discovered Belgian artist Fred Eerdekens who works in light and shadow with the help of paper, wire and other media, including (amazingly) bags of groceries. 

In his own words, Eerdekens says he is after creating "a semantic landscape in which what one had thought of as stable meanings are continually twisted and turned." Wow.

What is Eerdekens asking of us? What is he asking of me as a writer? To consider carefully what I choose to write about...be intentional about what I offer readers...focus on what I mean to express but can't seem to put words to...pay attention to what lurks in the shadows...take responsibility for the implications that my words cast. 

I desperately need to embrace what I found in Eerdekens' word shadows: Time's a-wasting, Sydney: use what time and energy you have to sculpt messages that matter and deliver them in a memorable way.

Taking all that to heart means my saying goodbye to shilly-shallying and this blog. 

Here's my real deal.

What I'm exercised about as a single adult standing on my own two feet is how our society worships and rewards married life and those who subscribe to it. My "Marriage Math" post offers one concrete example. Here's one more for the road.

My employer, like many, subsidizes health insurance for full-time employees. The company pays 85%, leaving each of us to pay 15%. In my case, that amounts to about $8,000 a year that the company pays so that I am more financially secure. Generous. Thank you.

But that formula applies across the board. The financial security of my married colleagues in the plan is subsidized to the tune of $15,000 a year; those with children receive a subsidy of more than $22,000 a year. That's a lot of extra security accorded to some, denied others.

Yes, I tried to convince my employer how unfair this is for single employees. My well-supported proposal for any one of several equitable plans needed due-diligence review by the higher-ups. Fair enough. Yes, all my calculations were correct. Yes, my alternative plans were feasible. But they deep-sixed all of them on the basis that any change would be unfair to married staff. 

What the...?

That experience ended years of procrastinating on doing SOMETHING to put out a wake-up call to single adults, especially young people--and business and government and organized religion--on this and so many other unearned married privileges. 

I now have a book outline. And I can now put together a basic blog that I hope will be a springboard to an actual manuscript, as it was for Rebecca. But not this blog.

Thank you, Rebecca and blogger classmates. Thank you, Emily Temple. Thank you, Fred Eerdekens.

All my best,

Sydney/Sharon 

The art of being alone

Sally strikes again. ;-)

Commenting on my Power of One post, Sally offers a video poem written by Tanya Davis and filmed by Andrea Dorfman that is really worthwhile.

I imagine Davis wrote her poem mostly for people going solo for the first time or coping with a breakup. But for me, her words and imagery are a wonderful celebration of some of the great pleasures of solitary time which I think everyone should find time for and comfort with.

Marriage Math

Today's mail brought my annual update from Social Security on my estimated benefits at "full" or "early" retirement age--now well past the traditional 65 or 62 for way too many of us. 

Prompted by a reminder for soon-to-be-retired people (don't I wish) that sounded like an invitation to double-dip, I went online to www.ssa.gov and, among other eyebrow-raising factoids, found this provocative statement:

"If your spouse is eligible for retirement benefits on his or her own record we will pay that amount first. But if the benefit on your record is a higher amount, he or she will get a combination of benefits that equals that higher amount." 

This, on the heels of a newsletter from my brokerage company with an entire page on spouse benefits under Social Security that offers this illustration:

For example, the husband could claim spousal benefits on his wife's record once he reaches age 66 (assuming his wife has also claimed benefits). Once he reaches age 70, he switches and claims benefits based on his own record. This allows his benefit to grow and provide more income during his lifetime, as well as maximizes (sic) his wife's survivor benefit if he passes away first.

Does any of this sound fair to you?

So Many Shades of Grey

Hats off to Sally!

Sally, one of my new blogger buddies writing at http://slowblossom.blogspot.com/, reminds me that when it comes to indie living, not everything is black-and-white. There are many ways to be single, including part-time. For example:

• Single parents live alone, often with some regularity, when the ex- has the kids. 
• Couples working in different cities are on their own for days, sometimes weeks at a time. 
• Some people who’ve lived together for decades say they are still together thanks to regular sabbaticals from the relationship. 

I say grey is good.

The Power of One

I wrote on February 20 about Eric Klinenberg whose new book, Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone, is sparking conversation on what he might call the “singleton” circuit. (As you can tell from the book’s title, Klinenberg is not himself living independently.) Interested? The review of Going Solo on Onely: Single and Happy is a good starting point, and includes links to several more.

Music for a while...

Sweet new single from Night Beds.  Give a listen and tell me what you think.  Even If We Try - Single

What would I do with my books?

"It could happen, Sydney." 

Like every single person I know, I have one married friend who can't give up on me giving up on marriage or having a live-in partner. 

"Been there, done that, Hillary," I remind her. "Besides, what would I do with my books?"

Books are among my most precious companions and bookstores among my favorite haunts. If you fall into this camp, take a break for a brief tour of "The 20 Most Beautiful Bookstores in the World" courtesy of Flavorpill. I'm ready to book a flight.

We have the right...

Hank Sartin's Singles Bill of Rights published in the Feb 9-15 issue of Time Out Chicago declares the right of the unattached to a safe, happy place to dance solo...price-off or other deals that don't require a tag-along...a good table for one...more. 

Sartin also salutes the Valentine's Day kick off of a new reading series at the Cobra Lounge in Chicago. Next date is April 16. Read about it and an associated blog at Solo in the Second City. 

Thanks to my pal Decker for passing this along.

Whiner guilt

I'm feeling bad about my last post. Because I pushed my problem onto Ben and Matthew. I should have told them straight up, it's you I want to spend time with. If we can't do that now/next week, when can we? 

Not sure why I want to keep my disappointment under wraps. Always more to learn.

Royal we...or is it me?

Maybe it's just my crowd. 

Pretty much the minute someone couples up, formally or otherwise, a new protocol slips into place: love to see you--come hang out with us! 

Over Christmas, I took 3 days of vacation and traveled 1,000 miles (again) to a part of the country I detest to visit my brother Ben. We've always had a mellow relationship, even more so now that our parents are gone. But as usual, I had to pry him loose from the swarm of relatives connected to his first and now second marriages to have any time for the two of us. I went home feeling gypped.

I called him two weeks later and told him I didn't get enough of him in all the chaos holidays. "Same here," Ben said. "Would you come my way in the spring?" I asked him. "Lizzie just isn't made for the city, Sydney. Could you meet us halfway?" he wanted to know. 

While I was fighting for time with Ben, against all odds my friend Matthew was morphing from committed single to married. Matthew and I go back 10+ years. In different sectors of the same industry, we have the same politics, volunteer for the same organization and are both musicians. After living with Paula for two years, during which time Matthew and I sustained our friendship, they got married on Christmas Eve. 

Riding in a taxi, on my way to the airport last week, I texted Matthew inviting him to a concert. He accepted and offered to deal with the tickets since I was on the run. Nice. A few minutes later, he texted an update: Three tickets, row H. Can't wait. So instead of an the old-shoe evening I imagined, we'll be "Getting to know you..." 

"Getting to know you..."

Singles more engaged

New York University sociology professor Eric Kleinenberg says "One's a Crowd," as reported in The New York Times on February 5."Compared with their married counterparts," Kleinenberg writes, "single people are more likely to spend time with friends and neighbors, go to restaurants and attend art classes and lectures." 

He goes on to say that being more engaged with culture and community is characteristic of single adults, elders included. If that's true, and Kleinenberg points to ample evidence, should singles be better courted by eateries, theaters, schools and recreational programs?  

What's your experience?

Welcome...

WELCOME...to One Per Household, a conversation about indie living—the ups, downs and in-betweens of being single in a coupled world. Whether you're on your own because it suits you best, it's where you are for now or you're considering going solo, the mike is open.


I have lots ideas and opinions that I'll share soon enough. Right now, I'm interested in what YOU want to sound off on—or know more about. Please jump in. I'm all ears!